It would be too egoistic of me, if I went ahead and said I never run out of patience.
Patience, like everything else in the world, was at a premium.
Sad, isn’t it? To know that at any given point in time, with the pull of the wrong trigger, you could snap so violently, so blindly, and hurt someone.
I have to admit, I once thought I had the patience for absolutely anything, only to be proved wrong recently. I was the trigger.
He must be so disappointed.
To have me use his shortcomings against him, it must have been painful. And it was, evidently so, from the way his jaw was set closed the whole time I spoke so accusingly, the way he didn’t even waste his glare on me, the way he walked out the door, the anger radiating from him so strongly, and all of that directed at me. He didn’t speak to me the following day, and the day after that, and possibly carry on until today.
I deserve more than a punch in the face.
But before I ramble on, I have these three confessions to make:
1) Perhaps, I’m feeling a bit too selfish in this respect, but all I’ve ever done was try and coax answers from him. All I ever wanted was for him to talk to me. It didn’t matter about the whys, or hows, or ifs, or whats; I was here. For him. Was that honestly so much to ask for?
But I blew things out of proportion by prying, out of fear and concern, so I’m in as much fault. Which is it then?
2) As aforementioned, my patience run out. But because of 1), I’m half tempted to let him come to me instead. Stubborn young man that he is, he wouldn’t probably let his pride go that easily.
Between his stubborness and his pride, and perhaps, his rather difficult sense of what’s right… Where do I stand with him? Was his ego more important than our relationship?
Or maybe, it never was.
3) More than anything, I am absolutely disappointed at myself. That makes two of us.
I regret a lot. I really do. But to make the first move, wouldn’t that mean rendering this fight for nothing as well? Did I always have to initiate? Don’t get me wrong, I have no qualms with doing so, but… he’ll never learn.
Though maybe I shouldn’t be trying in the first place. Wasn’t that what I told him before? That I had no right, nor did I want the right to change him.
Would that mean I’m giving up on him, then?
Here I am having an internal debate with myself, writing my train of thought, to see what conclusion I could make out of it. If only I kept my mouth shut, things would be absolutely different.
Though, it wasn’t that easy to at that time, to be honest.
I don’t want to feel like so, but I’m disappointed at him.
But more than anything, I want to see him again.
#musings: dino #post by: jc